One of my biggest pet peeves is the saying, "Parents teach your kids to..." Why does this bug me so much you may ask? I know that my frogs have asked me the question. Let me break it down for you.

By saying parents teach your kids to [FILL IN THE BLANK], you are making two assumptions. And those assumptions in my opinion, and yes, it is my opinion, are faulty assumptions. One of my frogs just reminded me of what it means when you assume...

Faulty assumption one.

You are assuming that the parent has not taught the kid, and that the parent has failed in their education of the kid. Why is it assumed that parents have not discussed things with the kid who may be misbehaving in your opinion? Or are you just implying that the parent is incompetent as a parent, or uneducated enough to teach the kid?

Faulty assumption two.

You think that the kid would do everything that the parent has taught them. If the kid had been taught by their parents correctly, they would never be doing the behavior. To that, I ask this: when you were a kid, did you do everything your parent taught or told you to do? Come on now... be honest with yourself. Did you really do everything that your parents taught you to do?

The facts.

Let's look at the facts. The presence of misbehavior does not imply the absence of teaching. Most kids know the rule. They just don't always follow it. That's not a parenting failure - that's childhood.

Kids not doing what parents have taught them is called "intentional noncompliance," and it starts at about age 2, and goes through their teen years and even into adulthood. I am sure you were taught not to speed and obey the speed limit, but I guess that you, at some point, have gone against that teaching and have gone faster than the posted speed limit.

Ages 2-6, the child engages in intentional noncompliance as a way to test boundaries. Ages 12-17, the child engages in intentional noncompliance to assert autonomy.

This is not just my opinion; it is backed by scientific research. A study done by Alyssa M. Hurd, "A Systematic Review on Functional Analysis of Noncompliance," is just one of those studies. This study reinforces the point that kids disobey not because parents failed to teach them, but because kids are wired to test limits and assert independence. The study shows that 25% to 65% of children participate in intentional noncompliance. The variance in the percentage is based on "definitions of noncompliance." Not only is it found that the percentage changes by definition, but it also varies depending on the setting (school, clinic, education centers, home, etc.) So the percentage of intentional noncompliance would be different at a public park, at home, or in the swamp, because context matters. Noncompliance is also widespread, not an isolated event, is often intentional, and is driven by autonomy, escape, or attention. All of which have nothing to do with the lack of parents teaching their kids.

Another study by Melody Mann, "Understanding Child Noncompliance in the Early Care Setting," also shows that kids participate in intentional noncompliance, and that is a normal part of childhood. Children will intentionally choose not to follow instructions. Children "test boundaries, and learn firsthand what is acceptable... through trial and error." There are "instances when a child either actively or passively, but purposefully, does not perform a behavior that has been requested." This study found that children complied and did not comply at nearly equal rates. Children often purposefully choose not to follow directions, even in a structured and well trained enviroment.

So the next time you feel tempted to blame a child’s behavior on the parent. Why not say, "I wonder what boundary that child is pushing?" Don't just assume that it is due to faulty parenting. The kid has probably been taught that their behavior is not OK by their parent, but they have chosen to not comply.

We really can’t blame them. Today’s culture teaches kids to challenge almost every traditional expectation, so it’s no surprise they also push back on the everyday lessons their parents try to instill. Kids aren’t Borg drones — we can’t expect them to join the collective, and in their world, resistance is definitely not futile. And if you really consider it, do we want them to conform and be part of a collective? A little resistance is how they learn to become actual humans, not programmable units.

I’m not saying kids should be noncompliant or that society’s laws, norms, and expectations should be ignored and not taught to children. Rules matter, and parents absolutely should teach them. What I’m saying is that some noncompliance is normal, expected, and part of healthy childhood development. Kids push boundaries because that’s how they learn where the boundaries are. They test limits because that’s how they grow into independent adults. Expecting perfect obedience isn’t realistic, isn’t desirable, and it certainly isn’t evidence that parents failed to teach them.

Sources:

Hurd, A.M., Nercesian, S.J., Brown, K.R. et al. A Systematic Review on Functional Analysis of Noncompliance. Educ. Treat. Child. 46, 45–58 (2023).

Mann, M. (2020). Understanding child noncompliance in the early care setting. McNair Research Journal SJSU, 16(1), Article 8.